What an amateur!

I was an impassive kid — an inexpressive one, stoic even — given to elaborate displays of shrugging things off. I always think of myself as a perennial amateur at everything. It’s a habit I have never outgrown. Well, anyone who has received a bad review, at one time or another, knows how it outlasts by decades, the memory of a favorable word — a perfunctory “good job”, maybe?

In my heart to this day, I am always standing on a stage, in front of a roomful of empty chairs, behind a pile of errors, lies and exclamation points, watching an empty hallway. My life story and my tales are all, in many ways, the same — recollections of solitude and the grand pursuit of connection, of perfection, of success, and the inevitability of failure.

Although I educe a sense of courage, confidence and strength from writing and the occasional photo walks and shoots, these quests are notoriously subject to endless setbacks and the steady exposure of shortcomings, weaknesses and insufficiency. You see, a writer (or a photographer) is a man who fails every day. Sometimes things do work out for me though: a photo or two seeing the light of day in a broadsheet or the Sunday paper, or an essay published in some local newsletter. Success, however, does nothing to diminish the knowledge that failure stalks everything I do. But I always knew that — nobody gets past the age of ten without that knowledge.

But I’d rather be an amateur. An amateur pursues an activity for love and passion, not money.

This fire grows higher
This fire grows higher
This fire grows higher
This fire grows higher

When there’s a burning in your heart
An endless yearning in your heart
Build it bigger than the sun
Let it grow, let it grow
When there’s a burning in your heart
Don’t be alarmed.

This fire grows higher

When there’s a doubt within your mind
Because you’re thinking all the time
Framing rights into wrongs
Move along, move along
When there’s a doubt within your mind.

When there’s a burning in your heart
And you think it’ll burst apart
Or there’s nothing to feel
Save the tears, save the tears
When there’s a burning in your heart.

And if you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born
Then it’s time to go
And define your destination
There’s so many different places to call home
Because when you find yourself the villain in the story you have written
It’s plain to see
That sometimes the best intentions are in need of redemption
Would you agree?
If so please show me…

This fire grows higher
When there’s a burning in your heart.

— Death Cab For Cutie, You Are A Tourist

Amateur has an ancestor in the Latin amare, meaning “to love.”

Although the relationship isn’t certain, amare is probably related to a term meaning “mother”: amma. In the Germanic language spoken before the 12th century, amma meant “mother” or “nurse.” — http://www.merriam-webster.com


About Seeing with Brahmin eyes
My sense of humor can be keen, sarcastic, silly or corny -- sometimes all at once. I enjoy meeting new people with no preconceived ideas about what or what is not possible. You get much more out of life by being open minded and willing. I'm an easy going, good-natured person who loves life and loves people. I'm both optimistic and realistic and pretty objective when it comes to assessing situations, events, etc. In general I am a very positive person and you'll usually find we with a smile on my face.

One Response to What an amateur!

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