When a flower withers…

I was marveling at the makeshift flower bed of my new neighbor when a sudden sense of melancholy overcame me. Maybe the lone withered petunia triggered the emotion.

You see, a garden teaches us many things — how to dig and get dirt under our fingernails, the art of patience, and the constancy of impermanence.

Impermanence, however, has been more difficult for me to accept. I don’t suffer loss easily. When my dog died, I plunged into self-recrimination, bemoan my failures as a pet owner.

Far worse, the loss of a beloved person sends me into self-absorbed waves of guilt and regret. I become obsessed with opportunities lost forever — text messages not replied to, coffee invites ignored, phone calls not returned.

Maybe it’s some kind of magical thinking that prevented me from believing in the necessary impermanence of a mother, lover, partner and friend — especially after her sudden, awful death two years ago.

If you had met her, you’d understand. Her clear gray eyes reflected the spirit of a woman who had survived hundreds of life’s travails. Such a person seemed as all-enduring as earth and stone. But she’s gone already. Her death was as unexpected as the day she came into my life.

Sigh. I haven’t really said goodbye to her… we were supposed to have coffee the week before she died. But I didn’t go, feigning a headache.

Shoulda. Woulda. Coulda.

Oh. Sunlight is now angling across my window, suffusing my room with a golden fire. Gilded afternoon light on a shining summer day always seem to kindle this ache for people I lost. Forgive me if, for comfort, I fall back on a simple poem I enjoyed when I was in college, by Robert Frost.

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.


About Seeing with Brahmin eyes
My sense of humor can be keen, sarcastic, silly or corny -- sometimes all at once. I enjoy meeting new people with no preconceived ideas about what or what is not possible. You get much more out of life by being open minded and willing. I'm an easy going, good-natured person who loves life and loves people. I'm both optimistic and realistic and pretty objective when it comes to assessing situations, events, etc. In general I am a very positive person and you'll usually find we with a smile on my face.

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