She’s Out Of My Life…

I got an SMS from Davao the other night. The message was terse: She’s gone. Those two words brought me to the nadir of my earthly existence — everything seemed sepulchral. And as if on cue, Michael Jackson’s maudlin voice hauntingly floated in the airwaves:

She’s out of my life
She’s out of my life
And I don’t know whether to laugh or cry
I don’t know whether to live or die
And it cuts like a knife
She’s out of my life…

How long has it been? Our affair, I mean… a little over 600 hours? It may be surprising to most folks, but yes, ours was never measured in years or months — not even days — but hours. Yes, hours. Maybe, that’s a reflection of how fleeting our relationship was. True, I’d spend time with her in Davao — took her to Cebu, Bohol, and even Palau and Phuket — but always, these trysts would never last more than eight hours on a given day. But the hours were far from being quotidian.

I remember the way she looked the first time I saw her — simple, devoid of any frippery. And when we embraced, I felt a slight frisson of pleasure, as if she was created to do just one thing: immure me in her arms. I have never felt so secured. She was a life saver incarnate. The notion that she’s made solely for me, however, was the chimera that pushed me to take her for granted.

It’s out of my hands
It’s out of my hands
To think for two years she was here
And I took her for granted I was so cavalier
Now the way that it stands
She’s out of my hands…

The decision to leave her in Davao came about after much rumination, and was borne out of practicality more than anything else. You see, she needed to be close to what she loved the most — the ocean; but I had to be with my work in the urban jungles of Manila. So we agreed on an arrangement where we could be together at least once a month. The compromise worked for a while — we’d meet up in Moalboal or Balicasag — always someplace where we can spend hours communing with nature’s final frontier.

But, as it was with other things in my life, my “expeditions” to see her slowly abated. What began as once a month became every other month… until it totally stopped.

So I’ve learned that love’s not possession
And I’ve learned that love won’t wait
Now I’ve learned that love needs expression
But I learned too late…

Her ebullient nature prompted me to acquiesce to a friend’s “suggestion” to let her be with other partners, especially since I cannot be with her as often as what was necessary. Was that the right decision? At first it was, as it brought the best in her. Her experience with other partners benefited me in more ways than one. As we both explored the depths of our passion, she has become more responsive to my needs, and more reliable. Her embraces became more deliberate and purposeful. But then…

The last time I was with her was October of 2010. She was then complaining about being tired and wanting to rest. Reminiscing our last moments together, bringing back mental photographs of our last plunge, she was indeed a tad pale. She has lost much of her vibrance. And her arms were feeble. I did not feel the warm, tight embraces I so loved when we were together the first time. I was too haughty to notice her frailty. She was already screaming silently to bring her with me to Manila, but I chose to ignore her quiet supplications.

And now, she’s gone.

She’s out of my life
She’s out of my life
Damned indecision and cursed pride
Kept my love for her locked deep inside
And it cuts like a knife
She’s out of my life.

Oh, before any sanctimonious fool begin drawing tawdry images of my “beloved”, here’s the only photograph I have of her, taken in Davao:

With my "beloved" in Davao.

With my "beloved" in Davao.

Getting a new one would definitely set me back about thirty grand. But then again, ain’t she lovely?

ScubaPro T-One BCD

ScubaPro T-One BCD

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About Seeing with Brahmin eyes
My sense of humor can be keen, sarcastic, silly or corny -- sometimes all at once. I enjoy meeting new people with no preconceived ideas about what or what is not possible. You get much more out of life by being open minded and willing. I'm an easy going, good-natured person who loves life and loves people. I'm both optimistic and realistic and pretty objective when it comes to assessing situations, events, etc. In general I am a very positive person and you'll usually find we with a smile on my face.

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